For the Wounded Healers in Hiding — I see You
My book Tip of the ADHD Iceberg is officially out today. There’s nothing like an ending to mark a new beginning. Just yesterday, I realised a relationship I cherished isn’t going to last. And then I realised – this release, heartbreak, and then becoming – are all part of the same journey.
The thing about being an empath isn’t that we feel what is said, but that we feel what isn’t said.
If only we listened. Within each relationship, there’s a subtle undertone of hidden power dynamics that, if you tune in, you will recognise. I’d done it again. A relationship created based on need, when I was in need, I take that responsibility. When you no longer “need” anything (I’m strong now, thanks), it falls apart.
In the midst of the turbulent emotions within me, I thought I’d dedicate this post to all the wounded healers amongst us (probably going to regret this in the morning). The ones you trust to hold space for you. The helpers. We are ALL fragmented within, despite what they say. We are all trying to find our way back, putting broken pieces back together.
You are the ones who never say a commonplace thing. The ones who burn so brightly. The ones who feel so deeply. The ones who think that by pouring your love into the world, you’ll get the same love back. The ones who look for validation for your existence by being of service to others. The ones who are quietly burning out, yet think the problem is other people and things. The ones who are switching between grandiosity and shame in your moments of triggers, and adapted these dysfunctional strategies as a way of life.
We all need to get off our high horse; let’s not pretend that any of us is better than the others, not even those with a gazillion followers. In fact, they are probably the ones you have to watch.
Our “Wounded Healer” Archetypes
Here’s a snapshot of the type of wounded healers I’ve come across in the community:
Martyrs
They say we heal by being in service, but the thing about service is that it perpetuates the very same patterns from which we need to heal. Going against your natural energy rhythms helps everyone but you. You only learn this when people get so used to you giving that they ignore your well-being; it’s a thankless job, and you get angry, wake up, and say f*ck you all, I’m going to live for me now. And then feel guilty. You’re learning to choose yourself, and that’s not selfish.
People Pleasers
The ones who cannot say no – your boundaries are blurred, you keep giving until you burst into flames. You are like a leaf that sways in the direction of the wind, without an anchor. You end up resenting people for the words you don’t say, after thinking it’s your fault. It’s not your fault, but you are kind of responsible for what happens, because you’re all grown up now, if that makes sense (oops, don’t shoot the messenger)? I see you, but I still wish you could live for yourself more.
Shapeshifters
Then there are the shapeshifters – the ones who can’t seem to understand who they are or what they are doing here. You naturally gravitate towards those who seem stable (or controlling). You take the shape of the people you are with and the air of the rooms you enter. When you’ve lived like this your entire life, you doubt EVERYTHING, and most of all, yourself. Trust. You’re OK. Choose the identity you feel most comfortable with, and be it. Get out there and do what you fear – what’s the worst that can happen? We are all children playing adults, wearing an identity costume – have fun – you only live once (never truer words spoken by an ADHDer, right?).
Wounded Souls
We are ALL wounded by something. Some of us win because we have been wounded when we were very, very little, way before we knew how to make sense of our emotions. No one held the space for us. We grew up wearing our wounds on our sleeves, self-esteem on the floor, traumatising our nearest and dearest, whilst looking for someone to save us. We get comfortable in the passenger seat of our lives, attracting “saviour types”. You then resent them, because why are they sitting on a high horse, when we all sit on a toilet at the end of the day, no one is better than another? Also, our parents are out there enjoying life, so why shouldn’t we?
Grandiose Leaders Who Live in Fear
Where to begin? So many of the problems in our human relationships begin when we don’t own our sh*t, and project our need for validation onto others.
I’ve come across some pretty hilarious personas, stories behind the scenes in the neurodiversity movement and mental health field. Want to hear them?
There are those who seemingly work towards a mission but then use others (who overwork in the name of the said mission) until they become burned out and unfeeling.
There are those who open ADHD clinics and swear to make a change to the bottleneck, only to secretly talk about wanting to start podcasts behind closed doors, so we can all hear more stories from people who are overrepresented.
There are those who are BIG BIG names in the field of mental health and trauma, who are all f*cked up, deeply insecure, pouring their wounds into the world. They are also leading conferences, people whom others call thought leaders.
There are those who appear to be trustees of certain charities, doing so in the hope that it will help their career. However, I then realised that charities are struggling to maintain their charitable activities due to a lack of funding. One particular trustee told me that their knee-jerk reaction was to leave the charity when it appeared to be on the verge of collapse. “Save yourself first” mentality was strong. I looked at them with my mind’s jaw dropped to the floor. I could never do that. Or could I? Never say never until it happens to you.
And still we manage to do good work, despite all our myriad wonderful f*ckeries. I wrote this not to criticise, but to see us – ALL OF US – in our messy, beautiful humanity. Because only when we can laugh at our own chaos can we truly heal it.
These are the people I’ve loved, lost, worked with, admired, distanced from, and embraced. Because I recognise a piece of myself in each and every one of them, as a woman who’d lived many lives and know first-hand what it’s like to crave love, to be shamed, to wander the streets feeling alone, to have felt the kind of joy that seems like it can last forever, only to know it’s not going to, to feel grief so deep and complete, and to love with all my heart can muster.
I wrote the Tip of the ADHD Iceberg as a way to excavate into the layers of our neurodivergent psyche, below surface behaviours that people call inattentive, anxious and depressed people pleasers.
I believe there are such rich layers to being a neurodivergent human. The layers that people don’t see – beginning with our innate wiring, temperament, biology, and the stories of our lives – the places we began and where we are now. I’ve tapped into the evolution of ADHD from the beginning of time, what it tends to co-occur with, our physical, emotional, and social needs, and the unspoken void in between, where people don’t say what they are really thinking.
And despite this post, where I’d taken the p*ss out of our humanity, it is a book written with utmost compassion. Because, despite all our troubles, I’m still standing. Still doing this work. Because it’s the only work where I can be a decent f*cked up human being. The Phoenix always rises through ashes, not perfection. Here’s to the wounded healers – may we continue to break open to the truth.
Tip of the ADHD Iceberg is out now. It’s my love letter to every late-diagnosed ADHDer who has ever tried to make sense of their contradictions. We are not broken – we are becoming whole.
About Your Author
Dr. Samantha Hiew is a keynote speaker, lived experience researcher, and founder of ADHD Girls, a social impact platform transforming how society sees and supports neurodivergent women and underrepresented communities.
Diagnosed with ADHD at 40 after years of feeling unseen, Sam created the space she longed for, where science meets lived experience, and personal truth becomes a catalyst for cultural change.
Sam has spoken to over 100,000 people, trained 100+ FTSE companies, mental health professionals on AuDHD in women, and led the UK’s first large-scale event spotlighting the lives of AuDHD women and the diagnostic gaps we face.
Named a Difference Maker by PBS America and Positive Role Model for Gender by the National Diversity Awards, Sam brings heart and academic credibility to every stage and page. Sam’s debut book, Tip of the ADHD Iceberg, is a compassionate guide for late-diagnosed neurodivergents to navigate life after diagnosis and find their voice.
With a PhD in medical science and a background in communications, Sam translates research into real-world relevance – helping neurodivergent people feel seen, supported, and empowered.
