In clinics and consultations across the world, there’s a woman you’ve likely met many times.
She’s articulate, intelligent, and emotionally intense.
She carries a full-time job, a household, the invisible labour of parenting, and the emotional burden of keeping a relationship intact.
From the outside, she’s “coping.” But inside, she’s falling apart.
And you can see it, in the subtle cracks in her voice as she finally speaks to someone she thinks she can trust – A coach, therapist, or even a psychiatrist.
When the Strong One Breaks: Understanding Misdiagnosis and Relational Burnout in Neurodivergent Women
At the peak of her burnout cycle or crisis, she gets a label.
Often, that label is Borderline Personality Disorder.
It’s as useless as a label can be – because you get the stigma that invites more isolation and misunderstanding, but not the help.
In other cases, it’s bipolar, hysteria, treatment-resistant depression, or chronic anxiety. But what’s rarely considered, at least not early on, is autism or ADHD, particularly in women.
And this is something we need to talk about more in clinical practice.
The real-world pattern we’re seeing
This is what’s really happening:
🧠 High-functioning appearance masks executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation
🧠 Decades of masking lead to identity confusion and chronic internalised shame
🧠 Intense emotional expression (often from long-term suppression) is interpreted as instability, rather than a dysregulated nervous system
🧠 Dealing with emotional abuse that has gone on for too long
🧠 Relational collapse often happens when hormonal changes tip a delicate internal balance
And what happens next?
She’s described as:
- “too much”
- “emotionally volatile”
- “unreasonable”
- or “hard to work with”
Even when she’s been handling everything for years, while carrying all the emotional labour, mind you.
What if we asked different questions?
Instead of asking “What’s wrong with her?” Could we ask:
🔎 What has she been carrying alone for too long?
🔎 How has relational invalidation shaped her symptoms?
🔎 How might her neurodivergence be misunderstood through a gendered lens?
Because here’s what the research is telling us:
📊 Up to 1 in 3 women diagnosed with BPD may actually meet criteria for autism or ADHD if assessed through a neurodivergent-informed lens.
📊 Studies suggest that autistic women are frequently misdiagnosed with mood (MDD, PMDD, BD, etc) or personality disorders before receiving an accurate neurodevelopmental diagnosis.
📊 Late-diagnosed neurodivergent women often experience prolonged trauma from being misread, mislabelled, or dismissed – even in care settings.
This isn’t about “blaming” psychiatry. It’s about evolving with the evidence.
There is no excuse not to know now. Eversince I founded ADHD Girls in 2021, I’ve seen an explosion of content around neurodivergence in women. The fact that women aged 23-49 years old now make up the largest group seeking diagnosis for ADHD means we need to get ourselves updated with a nuanced understanding and bio-individualised support.
As a neurodivergent woman, scientist, and educator, I’ve worked with thousands of late-diagnosed women who were told they were “crazy,” “too much,” or “too emotional” before someone finally saw the truth of their neurotype.
And as someone who deeply respects the psychiatric profession, I believe we can do better – TOGETHER.
My CPD-accredited programme “Autism & ADHD in Women: DSM-5 Criteria Through a Scientific and Intersectional Lens” will help you:
- See ADHD & Autism’s DSM-5 traits through a critical and inclusive lens: Recognise how socialisation, trauma, gender, and neurobiology intersect
- Expand our lens on how AuDHD presents in women: Informed by lived experience research, we are still collecting data for our AuDHD women survey)
- Understand through a hormone-affirming neurodivergent framework: See how hormones, health conditions and their influence on neurodivergent traits
- Create safer, more affirming pathways to diagnosis and support: Interpret needs and behaviours with depth, care and context
You’ll also get:
✔️ Live training with replay access
✔️ A CPD certificate
✔️ Ongoing access to a community of peers
✔️ A place in my upcoming vetted referral directory – something neurodivergent women always ask me for!
We start with the first cohort on the 21st May: https://adhdgirls.co.uk/product/autism-and-adhd-in-women-dsm-5-criteria-through-a-scientific-and-intersectional-lens/
If you miss our first cohort, here is our second cohort in November with increased interactive learning hours.
For the women reading this
You are not too much.
You’re not broken.
You’re likely deeply misunderstood in a world that hasn’t gotten up to speed yet with your wiring.
#Autism #ADHD #AuDHD #AuDHDWomen #Neurodiversity #PersonalityDisorder #Intersectionality
